Death & Life After

Hello Dear Blog,

It has been such a long time since I have made an entry. Since my last session the bottom dropped out of my life. My dear cherished husband of 24 years was diagnosed with leukemia and died 6 mo's later. That was almost a year ago. April 11, will be one year. I am still trying to pick up the pieces of what remains of my life and start again. I am 53 years old and have worked at home with my husband for the last eight years. I couldn't bare the thought of spending winter in Michigan alone in the house we shared with all those memories, so I fled to California which is where I am from, to stay with and care for my 84 year old mother. I still feel adrift and brokenhearted. I don't quite know what to do with myself, nor do I have any concrete plan for the future. All of my life...friends, home (or what I once called home) family (or what I thought was my family),my adult children, everything seems so uncertain. I wish that God would have taken me with my husband the night he took his last breath, but for whatever reason I have been left here.
I am grateful for the resources and provision God has supplied me with, but very uncertain of what to do next. I don't like being in Michigan without my husband, it was his home. I feel better being in California in my old familiar territory and my mother needs my help. I plan to go back to MI. and sell everything my husband and I collected together over the years because it doesn't make any sense to drag it across the country. I have no place to put it and it reminds me of a life that no longer exists. This will of course also be heartbreaking.

There is someone new in my life...well sort of new. We have been in and out of love with each other since I was 16 and we have come back together now. He has been a great help to me but we are very different. I don't know if we can fit together for a lifetime or not. I know that only time will tell this but in the meantime the relationship often confuses me, and for many other reasons it is very complicated.

This is the first time I have spoken of this online. It just needed to be said.
Please pray for me.

Suzanne.